The skill of saying no
Many of us have not sought to learn the skill of saying no, because we really do not know how important it is to have this skill and how it plays a role in our successes and failures. We face many requests daily. Small and big requests that each provide us with an opportunity or take an opportunity from us. We must be able to distinguish these two conditions from each other and say no to others’ requests when necessary. In order to be able to say no to others when necessary, we need the power to say no. In this article, we will examine the different dimensions of the skill of saying no.
What is the skill of saying no?
The skill of saying no means knowing when to refuse someone else’s request. It is completely natural that we cannot always accept the requests of others, because each of us has our own limits and conditions. Saying no to others does not mean disrespecting and rejecting them, but it means that we value ourselves and our boundaries.
Why most of us do not have the skill to say no?
We have grown up in systems that value oppression and shyness. Iranian school, university, family and lifestyle have always used expressions such as “being polite”, “being humble” and “being modest” to justify shyness. Growing up in this system is one of the biggest reasons why most of us Iranians are shy and cannot be decisive.
Factors affecting the power of saying no to others
Several factors affect our power to say no, which we will discuss below:
1- The effect of “culture” on the skill of saying no
First of all, saying no should be examined in terms of culture. In collectivist cultures, collective interests are emphasized a lot and individual rights and interests are less discussed. In our society, there is a lot of emphasis on collective interests and many individual rights are violated in the form of words such as “conventions”, “people’s care” and “morality and knowledge”. However, we should know that respecting and helping others does not mean crushing values and stepping on our own boundaries. We should be able to live independently of the social patterns that are set for us and say no to others when necessary.
2- The effect of “people’s personality” on the skill of saying no
Some people have certain personality traits that make them go to great lengths to please others. These people usually have a strong fear of being judged by others and, on the other hand, have a strong desire to please them. These people usually set weak boundaries for themselves and give in to the wishes of others.
In fact, since these people have weak boundaries, they allow others to direct their lives. What governs the lives of these people are not their personal boundaries, but the opinions and desires of others. In this case too, we should be able to change ourselves by knowing our personality traits.
3- The effect of “anger” on the skill of saying no
People who can’t say no to others eventually develop a lot of anger towards themselves. In fact, they get angry at others first, because they see that others and their desires are managing their lives. Gradually, this anger targets themselves; Because they see that they are the ones who have allowed others to step on their boundaries. After a while, this internalized anger manifests itself in the form of self-blame.
A person is constantly angry with himself and gradually feels worse about himself, and this causes a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence in these people. marriage counseling christian
In fact, since a person is constantly involved in self-blame, he gradually thinks of himself as worthless and worthless, and day by day, his self-esteem decreases and he feels worse about himself. In this case, a person should be able to prevent the decrease of his inner sense of worth by creating boundaries and developing the skill of saying no.
The power of saying no requires courage!
One of the most important skills that increases our power to say no is courage or self-expression. In fact, a person with courage is not afraid of expressing himself and his boundaries and defends his rights in time. At the same time that this person is not aggressive to others, he firmly and respectfully defends his boundaries and says no to others in time.
How to cultivate the art of saying no?
These tips can be helpful for learning the skill of saying no, but before you do, please listen to this important podcast on the skill of saying no:
1- Remove yourself from cultural and social formats
The first step to develop the skill of saying no should be to review the prevailing cultural and social rules. First of all, we should be able to review the stereotypes that govern society, such as compliments, and know that helping others does not mean ignoring ourselves and our limits. So it is better to focus on our individual rights instead of fueling these stereotypes.
2- Spend time on getting to know yourself
I believe that the most important mission of every person in his life is self-knowledge. Erwin Yalom asks in When Nietzsche Wept: “Is there anything more sacred than self-knowledge?” I also strongly agree with this idea and believe that the key to healing and healing always lies in self-knowledge.
We should be able to know ourselves and know what behavior we do for what reason; We have to ask ourselves in different situations why we can’t say no to others. The answer to this question opens important doors for us and helps us to develop the skill of saying no.
3- Know that you cannot please everyone
Many times we are afraid to say no for fear of judging others and trying to please them. However, we should know that the one who plays the main role in our life is ourselves and not others.
In the end, it is our decisions, opinions and choices that make our lives and not others. On the other hand, keeping all people happy is never possible and impossible. So, instead of trying in vain to please others, it is better to set clear boundaries for our lives and not let others rule our lives. Signs of a failed marriage
4- Know that saying no to others is your natural right
Many times we are afraid to upset others by saying no. However, we should know that saying no to others’ requests is our natural right and does not mean that we are worthless or disinterested in others.
We simply reject a request because we see that we are not able to do it according to our living conditions and our limits. In fact, you can love and respect others and still say no to them.
5- Get help from quality trainings and psychologists
Saying no, like any other skill, requires awareness and training. In order to develop the skill of saying no, we must be able to get help from its various dimensions. Psychologists are one of the most important people who can help us. On the other hand, we have more than one person in the team important trainings in the field of courage and saying no, which can definitely help you.